too much dark horses can rot your soul

Planes and Turbo. One is a crop duster and the other is a snail. Both want to be the fastest they can be. I managed to finish Planes, but only get halfway through Turbo.

Don't get me wrong. I like movies where the main character is someone of low importance rising to prominence, but there are too many movies like these being made. With similar predictable plot. With lower and lower start point it starts getting ridiculous. Hey people if this snail can be the fastest then you also can reach your dream! Get a grab of it!


stop trying to get closure from people

There is an old Indonesian song, its lyrics being translated to English say as follows:
"Why did you go away? Why did you let me down? Why did you destroy... I am asking for an (your) answer with a hollow feeling."

So many people (if not just me) are left without answer. Just like that. Be it in love, friendship or business, it seems like some people are digging holes in our hearts, the hollowness that can be filled only with their explanation of why they did what they did.

We want closure! We crave for reason! Because we think over and over again and cannot find any.

You know what? Maybe the reason is not us. We cannot find it because it is in them.

Lately I read a fella looking for help, here is excerpt of the answer he got:

When you see her, it sounds like the the thoughts that run through your head are things like: "How could she! I am so hurt! Why won't she talk to me?" Flip it around and practice thinking things like "How sad that she has to play games. How sad that she chooses to tolerate people who fuck with people. I pity her."
Quit feeling hurt. Start feeling pity.
You are never going to get a decent explanation from her... so don't try to get it.

pempek sriwijaya

I now bestow the title of best pempek on earth to Pempek Sriwijaya of Sidoarjo. It is located on Duryat Street, and I eat there everytime possible.

If you happen to visit this city, order their submarine super-dry-fired without shrimp powder, just like I always do. It is heavenly, kid you not. Also there are two kind of sour sauce, the one with chili and the one without. Always go for the one with chili. And while you're there, try their snow ice with peanut. Yummy to the max!

man in steel

Watching this movie makes me think: so did Lana know Clark Kent is Superman from the beginning or didn't she?

durian juice with beer

I drank the most delicious beer ever, it was mixed with juiced durian and sugar at Sriwijaya Foodcourt near Dinoyo area. Consequently it was also the most delicious juice I have ever drank. The foodcourt also sells other juices and food such as meatball, soto, barbecue on stick, etc but I didn't manage to taste them.


Clipping my toenails feels good... My toes feel lighter and cooler afterwards. It's a pity I cannot do it more often, as toenails grow much slower than nails on my hands.

I believe there is an explanation of that difference of growth speed, maybe in books like Why Do Men Have Nipples? - Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask A Doctor After Your Third Martini. Those books' popularity proves that our people have high curiosity over trivial things, to the point that they are willing to pay a price for it.

drupal and smarty

In my journey of learning CMSes, Smarty has the most steep (steepest?) learning curve. Until now I still cannot manage to install it on my computer.

Second place goes to Drupal, so awful, scratching my head deep trying to differentiate regions, zones, sections. Not included setting view up. Aargh!

reward mentality

The danger of having a deed-reward mentality is that it becomes hard for us to understand the will of God when we are frustrated. Oh, why is this happening to me? Why is God is not listening to my prayers? What have I done wrong?
-- Deed-Reward Mentality --

I must confess, I have this sort of mentality. In extreme. So when something I'm working on doesn't show immediate result, I get frustrated, and in more than one occasion quit.

Oh the humongous list! Learning drums, guitar, Latin dance, cooking, Arabic, sewing, Phyton, driving, swimming, gift-wrapping, just to name a few.

But this post won't end on me lamenting over them. For many years my eyes were shut on this matter, like a blind man I kept wondering why I can't finish most things that I had started. Now I know! You can't imagine my joy!

The question is, what next?

campanula rapunculus -- part two

When I was browsing about the plant, I stumbled upon its use on homeopathy. Homeopathy is methods of curing diseases by using plants that has similar criteria with them. Similar cures similar, it said.

So Campanula Rapunculus heals those who worry a lot, who doesn't have firm stand in life (due to its nature of wiggling if blown by the wind).

Homeopathy said something about water memory, too. Can't be bothered to look it up now, have a friend waiting for me at Tunjungan Plaza, got to go!

campanula rapunculus

rapunzel plant

A kind of purple bellflower, I wonder how Grimm brothers could write that Rapunzel's mother had drooled over this plant during her pregnancy. I mean it is flowering plant, bell-shaped, with purple color. Must say looks a little toxic to me.

By the way how did ancient people know which plant was edible and which plant wasn't? Were they having a volunteer or was a not-so-fortunate man from the tribe chosen (read: forced) to test the poison level on assorted plants by eating them?

is this a dead-end?

Seth said that asking yourself 'Is this something that will respond to guts, effort and investment?' helps you decide whether or not this is where you can commit.

He kinda opened my eyes on my current situation. This man is brilliant. Some other time he told me people are not rational. Which happen to be realized as truth, days later. I think I'm gonna worship him now.

now is a bad time!

Now is a bad time to take a loan and start your own business, because credit rate is ridiculously high.

Now is a bad time for students who are sent by their rich parents to go study abroad, since rupiah exchange rate becomes more and more insignificant against US dollar.

Now is a bad time for university students in general, I think. Someone said we Indonesians are entering second sequel of monetary crisis, having the first one strucked us 15 years ago. And who says university fee is not expensive?

Now is a bad time to start selling carnal knowledge. Cancel your plan to become some old millionaire's mistress. Many companies will face great difficulties, and when your patron goes bankrupt, what will he use to pay your allowance? Some other time when economy is flourishing, you may consider this occupation. But now is a bad time. If taipans go bankrupt, their mistresses will be left with nothing but bad names and addiction of expensive lifestyle they no longer can afford.

But that being said, now is also a bad time to seek honest job. How can firms hire new blood when they are laying off employees?

Now is a bad time to waste on non-profitting activities. Reduce or omit completely videogaming, except if you work as game reviewer. Besides freeing you some time and money, quit smoking has its health and social benefit. Stop daydreaming and take a second job (if there is one available). Start improving yourself so that you can excel in your main job. See opportunities around you. Yes, even in such bad time, there are vast opportunities around, old and new. Take a slight change in point of view and you will find them.

Whether or not you should stop charity is not on my expertise to say...

However your passion is not a non-profitting activity. Say you like to dance. If we really are going to enter monetary crisis, organizers can't afford top dancers to dance on product launchings, but they can hire less expensive dancers, this is where you go in. This is opportunity. But even if your passion doesn't generate money, they are good for your mental well-being. It gives you sense of accomplishment usually achieved from others' praises; in this bad time nobody has time to notice others' achievements, they are too busy preventing their business from falling. There are only few passions in the world that cost more than the bill of a psychiatrist's service.

... I thought and thought and thought (you could almost hear my brain ticking), still I can't find a bridge from last paragraph to sentence below, but I will write it anyway, I don't want to discard it.

Now is a bad time to be someone other than yourself.

the call

the call

Carefully built suspense that could have made this movie so awesome is tainted by its main character's decision on last 1/3 duration. Any woman, even those who don't work as 911 operators should know better than tracking a serial killer to the place he abandoned his car. Wait, not just a place. A rural, mountainous place, aforementioned serial killer's property with no neigbours nearby. Alone. At night. After all police left that place. Without first informing friends or relatives where she's going. Not even her boyfriend, who happen to be the police investigating that scene.

And when logic kicks in after finding an entrance to a dungeon, the phone must fall inside. Taking it, goes into hiding upon hearing footsteps, the main character's logic vaporizes again into thin air. Cancel that phone call! Follow the serial killer deeper into the dungeon!


arise and shine

Sometime ago, I had this silly experience, and had nobody to blame but myself. The joke is on me. I can't believe how stupid I was!

And... I can't stay like this forever. I have responsibilities. I must change. I must rise! Rise! Riseee!!!

china's one child policy

Around 1990, a second child birth in China could make his family fined almost 2000 RMB. This family planning policy was launched in 1982. My friend's parents gave their third child to a childless couple to avoid being fined (for the second time!). That time, 2000 is too much for them.

how to get rid of bad character?

I often find myself struggling to feel sincerely happy for others' success, even though it is the success of people I like or love.

Anytime they tell me about their success, I told those that I think will understand (or already knew) something like 'I am happy for your success, but I feel a little jealous.'

Usually I sweeten that up to them with 'But my happiness is greater than my jealousy'.

economic frustration

I am a scholar, or so I like to think. The non-economic scholar. So when suddenly forced to manage my finance, I was (and still) doing it like some limp men - dragging one foot.

Instead of learning trends of stock market, I googled the history of candlestick chart (if you want to know, it was created in 18th century by a Japanese rice trader).

game addiction

Do you have a friend who is a game addict? I know one guy who skipped university test for the sake of gaming. The question is, why game is so intoxicating to some people, while having little to no effect to others?

I have some theories... Toward those who feel they have been treated unjustly, game offers the clear reward system - unlike real life.

Toward those so-called control freaks, game is soothing that tendency.

Toward those who feel like life has no point, game keeps their mind off their state of mind and help them fast-forward to bedtime. By the time the go to bed, they sleep soundly due to exhaustion. This helps people with insomnia, too.

But not all troubled people like gaming, and not all contented people refrain from gaming, so gaming just brings out whatever it is in one person, I guess.

Some more on addictions... They conducted an experience and reported: people who never do drugs experience less depression - but isn't it higher depression that got people to use drugs at the beginning?

greece vs java

There are resemblances between Genderuwo and Zeus from Java and Greek mythology, respectively. Both like to seduce women into sexual intercourse by taking the form of whatever person or animal would most appeal to their victim.

But Zeus enjoys a better treatment than his hairy counterpart. Zeus was worshipped as a god, while genderuwos are only considered demons.

evil counter: ninety-eight... ninety-nine... one hundred!!

You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he's expecting to wake up.
-- The Matrix --

Oh God, help me. I thought I was evil. Turns out there are more evil in this world than in me.

water in the pond

water drop

Try talking to your heart
is like dropping water into the pond
Effective immediately
but only temporary
The surface has waves
only to be smooth
like a mirror again
-- me --

I was right. But I have never been this sad I was right.


My friend had been diagnosed with lupus. Her disease had been under control for a few years, but a few days ago it worsened. Needless to say, I was very saddened upon hearing that.

This time my friend's left eyesight blurred. Lupus is called 1000 facade disease, because it often disguises itself as another disease, one time it can show the symptoms of typhus, another time dengue fever, another time low hemoglobins, etc.

There are two tests one must take to determine whether it's really lupus or not. Those tests are called ANA and SLE.


As shown by its unique name, this new restaurant specializes in Javanese food. Its interior has two man-sized statues of Javanese puppet characters.

I had kliwon rice. It was rice with Javanese tofu curry, grilled chicken, Javanese sauteed vegetables, etc. It was nice and the price was so-so. Cozy place to meet and chat with friends.

when the only leader i can see is a bad leader...

I can learn not to be like him. It's all about choice.


People's bodies are source of information about them. From there you can determine best way of approach. For example, if you are a judgmental person, better not show that side of yours upon first meeting with people who are physically well-built. They hate judgment so much they spend abundant time in gyms to avoid being judged fat or unfit.


God is giving me clarity of mind and body health, to administer to people, whose safety is on top of His list, whose well-being is in His mind always, whose feelings and emotions He holds dear at heart.

turning eyes away

Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, revive me in Your way.
-- Psalm 119:37 --

One of my childhood memories is going to the cinema with my father. He was fond of sci-fi movies. Sometimes scenes that shows physical intimacy appeared.

If main actor and actress started to kiss, my father would cover my eyes with his hand. My head was very small back then, just his one palm is enough to cover both of my eyes.

To ensure that I really couldn't see the screen, he rested his palm on two points on my face: my forehead and peak of nose. Sometimes I would push front and tease him by batting my eyelashes against his palm. I hoped that he would get ticklish and let go of his hand... Children had it a little uncomfortable for having a big hand on their face...

getting out of a hell called insecurity

Like they said, the only way out is up... Currently I am in a very deep hole full of bad thoughts, inadequacy feeling, shame, self loathing, etc. I use Alice in Wonderland's solution, expanding oneself so that she can reach the door handle... I too, can get out of this hole/well/whatever, just put more effort on it. Work hard, me!